I know it has been a long time since I last posted on here. In fact, it has been months - March 19th, Kyara's Heaven birthday to be exact. I have been running away from posting. I felt like I should be feeling better than I am at this point. I am not sure why, but things have gotten harder for me since her 1 year "birthday". I guess my world of denial is closing in and reality, the reality of missing her so much that my heart feels broken, is taking over. In the past few months, Skylar has turned 9, school has ended for the girls, and summer is already half over. Time is passing without me making the most of each day with my family. I am guilty of allowing my grief overwhelm me at times and it puts me in such a terrible mood. I think I believed that it was time for me to start doing things on my own. Stop writing on the blog, stop talking about Kyara, stop looking at pictures, stop communing with God. As I have decreased doing these things, I have found that instead of moving forward out of my grief, I have slipped further and further into it. I saw a picture of Kyara smiling at a birthday party on the computer at my brother's house and I almost lost it. In class (my class) we were watching a video with 5 year olds writing and one little girl wrote her "K" backwards, like Kyara used to do, and it made me cry. Scenarios replay in my mind over and over throughout the day. "What could we have done differently." "Remember how Kyara used to do this?" (And sometimes, my answer is 'no, I don't remember.) "What would she have been like now?" When I try to "shut-it off", I realize I am just numb to everything.
Kassey is growing up so fast. I pulled out the hand-me-down clothes from the attic to change out from the winter to summer. After each season, I have donated the good clothes to Goodwill or other charities, and each time it is a little painful. I am getting rid of the memories that I have of each of the girls wearing the same clothes. Its funny how I look at an outfit and I can remember Skylar wearing it at the beach, or in Washington, or at the soccer fields. Now Kassey is already in 4Ts and this the last size Kyara wore before the surgery. I am struggling with the thought of not pulling down hand-me-downs that have the memories from both Skylar and Kyara for Kassey.
God is good and mysterious, though. He has shown Kyara to a few of my friends in dreams. I believe it is to let me know she is doing great. She is not the one I have to worry about, I need to work on opening my heart and freeing my mind from trying to control everything! He has it under control, if I will just surrender my will to His will. Easy to say, not easy to do. But here is what I have been learning over the past 3 months... I can not do this alone. I have tried, and I have spun into a deep dark place.
God is using Kyara, even now to bless others. Our church, Fayetteville First United Methodist has a group called Squarefoot Missions who is planning to build a playground in Kyara's memory. This playground will be in a "rough" neighborhood in Griffin, Ga (a city that was devastated by the tornados that came through a month ago.) The playground will be a blessing to the children in this neighborhood. God, in His wisdom, has chosen a group of men at the church to remind me of the ways He can continue to find good in Kyara's passing.
Next week we are going on the Leonard/Dzenis family beach week. 7 children (ages 2-9) and 8 adults in one house. Well, at least we have the kids out numbered. We have done this beach trip for 8 years, and each year it is an adventure. Last year was tough for me, since it was our first year at the beach without Kyara, but I am hoping that this year will be a little easier.
I must say, I am feeling better, even now, after writing this down. I really believe this blog helped me get through the past 2 years, and I am so thankful for it (and your comments of encouragement!!) I am going to write more, for me... and for anyone who wants to read it.
