Kyara Dzenis

Kyara Dzenis

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Hello again.

I know it has been a long time since I last posted on here.  In fact, it has been months - March 19th, Kyara's Heaven birthday to be exact. I have been running away from posting.  I felt like I should be feeling better than I am at this point. I am not sure why, but things have gotten harder for me since her 1 year "birthday".   I guess my world of denial is closing in and reality, the reality of missing her so much that my heart feels broken, is taking over.  In the past few months, Skylar has turned 9, school has ended for the girls, and summer is already half over.  Time is passing without me making the most of each day with my family.  I am guilty of allowing my grief overwhelm me at times and it puts me in such a terrible mood.  I think I believed that it was time for me to start doing things on my own.  Stop writing on the blog, stop talking about Kyara, stop looking at pictures, stop communing with God.  As I have decreased doing these things, I have found that instead of moving forward out of my grief, I have slipped further and further into it.  I saw a picture of Kyara smiling at a birthday party on the computer at my brother's house and I almost lost it.  In class (my class) we were watching a video with 5 year olds writing and one little girl wrote her "K" backwards, like Kyara used to do, and it made me cry.  Scenarios replay in my mind over and over throughout the day.  "What could we have done differently."  "Remember how Kyara used to do this?"  (And sometimes, my answer is 'no, I don't remember.)  "What would she have been like now?"  When I try to "shut-it off", I realize I am just numb to everything. 

Kassey is growing up so fast.  I pulled out the hand-me-down clothes from the attic to change out from the winter to summer.  After each season, I have donated the good clothes to Goodwill or other charities, and each time it is a little painful.  I am getting rid of the memories that I have of each of the girls wearing the same clothes. Its funny how I look at an outfit and I can remember Skylar wearing it at the beach, or in Washington, or at the soccer fields.  Now Kassey is already in 4Ts and this the last size Kyara wore before the surgery. I am struggling with the thought of not pulling down hand-me-downs that have the memories from both Skylar and Kyara for Kassey.

God is good and mysterious, though.  He has shown Kyara to a few of my friends in dreams.  I believe it is to let me know she is doing great.  She is not the one I have to worry about, I need to work on opening my heart and freeing my mind from trying to control everything!  He has it under control, if I will just surrender my will to His will.  Easy to say, not easy to do.  But here is what I have been learning over the past 3 months...  I can not do this alone.  I have tried, and I have spun into a deep dark place. 

God is using Kyara, even now to bless others.  Our church, Fayetteville First United Methodist has a group called Squarefoot Missions who is planning to build a playground in Kyara's memory.  This playground will be in a "rough" neighborhood in Griffin, Ga (a city that was devastated by the tornados that came through a month ago.)  The playground will be a blessing to the children in this neighborhood.  God, in His wisdom, has chosen a group of men at the church to remind me of the ways He can continue to find good in Kyara's passing. 

Next week we are going on the Leonard/Dzenis family beach week.  7 children (ages 2-9) and 8 adults in one house.  Well, at least we have the kids out numbered.  We have done this beach trip for 8 years, and each year it is an adventure.  Last year was tough for me, since it was our first year at the beach without Kyara, but I am hoping that this year will be a little easier.

I must say, I am feeling better, even now, after writing this down.  I really believe this blog helped me get through the past 2 years, and I am so thankful for it (and your comments of encouragement!!)  I am going to write more, for me... and for anyone who wants to read it.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

The prayers for you and your family have never stopped. Even during your time of silence, God uses Kyara's story in ways that only He can do. Hold strong to your faith and He will continue to carry you through and provide you with the peace you need.
Amy Brandon

Mandy Gaddy Osburn said...

Hey Genie....my heart is heavy for you and cannot imagine what you have been thru. I pray that God will continue to heal your heart and mind. Grief...seems to be one of the hardest things for people to work thru...but you my friend have shown more courage, honesty and strength than anyone i have ever known...please keep your faith and keep your head up. From everything I have read, you are a wonderful mommy to ALL of your babies and they are lucky to have you!! Hang in there!!
Sincerely, Mandy

ashli kennedy said...

i read this and all i want to tell you is that you are a wonderful mom and such a loving person. dont ever let yourself forget that. little kyara is up in heaven so proud of you and so happy for the life that her sisters have been given due to her wonderful mom:] and of course her dad too. i miss you!

Kim Conn said...

Hey Genie...I think of you often and I know Dr. Meyers does too! You did everything that any parent could have done to try and give her the best quality of life possible. ALWAYS remember that. My heart aches for you and now as a mother, I feel your pain even more. I will continue to keep you all in my prayers....

Anonymous said...

May God continue to heal your heart. I look forward to seeing you and the girls at the office in a few weeks! I think and pray for you often.

Melissa Trebuchon

Laura Long said...

Genie,
You are so amazing in what you have been able to do before, during and after the loss of Kyara. You have no idea what an inspiration you are! Keep putting one foot in front of the other and keeping God's word and prayer as your foundation. Give me a call while you are in Florida and maybe the boys and I can run over for a couple hours. Love you sweetie!

Tina from Miami said...

I still read your blog regularly Genie... I check it almost every day for updates... and I hope that it helps you get through the days... because to me.. it teaches me a lesson every time I read it.

Anonymous said...

I do not know you personally but have followed this blog since the original surgery. You may not realize it, but this blog has given Kyara a voice to so many people that she never actually met. I can tell you that I have never lost a child. My husband and I have been trying to have a child for several years now but to no avail. I look at what your family has gone through and wonder if this is why God has seen fit to deny us a child. That we could not endure what you have. Still, I dream of a day when I have a reason to get up on Christmas Morning or go to a school play. God is with you and your children just as he is with me. I pray that God will give you the peace to accept what you cannot change, and the wisdom to enjoy what you still have. I pray that he will do the same for me. God bless you!

Emily said...

I am so glad that you felt better after posting your feelings. Creighton and I often talk about things Kyara did in Pre-K and he stills names Kyara, you and your family in his prayers. I have not endured the loss of a child, but I have suffered the loss of my marriage; I can only imagine the thoughts, feelings, and depression you have felt. We will continue to pray for all of you and I will continue to check in to see your thoughts and feelings. :O)

Adrienne said...

Thinking of you Genie. Praying for you. Did you read, "Heaven is for Real."? It make me think of sweet Kyara, and of you. Praying for God's hand on your and your sweet family as you continue to press on. He is there.