Kyara Dzenis

Kyara Dzenis

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Busy, Hectic, Tired

Those three words explain my life right now.   I am doing an online Chemistry class, which is kicking my "hiney", another education class (which I really need to start working on!),  I am helping coach 2 soccer teams, working on a Bible study class, and trying to be a decent mom and wife when I can.  My house is a wreck, laundry has been piling up for days, and I can't remember the last time I swept or mopped the floors, nevermind the bathrooms.  A warning should be put up... "Enter at your own risk!"  Now that Halloween is right around the corner, I bet I can find some decorations that would be fitting!  As busy as my life seems to be, I still feel like I should be doing more.  Something is missing.  Am I making myself this busy so I don't have to sit still and be in my own thoughts?  That could be.  I need to be exercising somewhere in there, but I can't seem to find the time during the day, and I refuse to get up at a "redonkulous" time in the morning.  I need my sleep way too much!   But I have found that I have more energy when I exercise.  Not right away, but as I get into the routine, it does the body good!

The other day I took Kassey to the bookstore because she loves to play with the trains in the kid's section.  While we were there, I picked up a book to "browse" through.  I only planned to stay for 10-15 mins because I had  lovely chemistry calling  my name at the house.  But, since procrastination is my middle name when it comes to things I don't want to do, we went to the bookstore.  Anyway, the book that grabbed my attention was called "The Boy Who Went to Heaven and Came Back" (or something like that).  Well, I picked it up, a bit interested to see what it said and I was soon engrossed in this book. It is written by a father and son who were in a carwreck and their journey through heaven, hospitilizations, comas, paralysis, etc.  It is a story of hope and love.  The father had written a blog like this one during this traumatic time in their life and based his portion of the book on the blog.  The boy writes about God, Heaven, and love.  An hour and half after we walked into the bookstore, and many tears later, I finally said... I need to put this book down.  I guess I will have to return to the bookstore to finish the book!  So much for a 10-15 min visit! 

Skylar has been playing soccer for the past 2 months and is starting to really understand her role on the field.  It is such a joy to watch her go from looking lost and unsure to confident on the field.  Still a long way to go, but she is loving it!  But, if she changes her mind and wants to play a different sport, I am all for that, too.  I just want the girls to be active.

Kassey starts soccer next Saturday.  I am so excited to bring my chair and sit and watch.  She is so funny!  Lately she has been telling us "I love you so, so, so, so, SO MUCH!"  Each so gets louder and louder until she is screaming the last "so much!"  It tickles my heart to hear it.  I need to record it so that I will always be able to hear her say that to me.  That is one thing I wish we had more of.  I don't have alot of videotape of Kyara.  I don't know if I could watch it now, but I wish I had more for the future.  Lesson learned.  VIDEOTAPE YOUR KIDS!

I need to do some more chemistry, so until next time...  may God bless you and your family!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Shack

Has anyone read The Shack by William P. Young?  It is a novel about a man who faces a terrible tragedy, then has the opportunity to meet the Trinity face to face.  I started reading this book around the time Kyara was getting very sick, and I had to put it down.  The book hit too close to home with me and to be honest made me a bit uncomfortable.  The questions that were asked and screamed and cried over, were the same basic ones I asked.  "Why?"... "How could you let this happen?"... "Where were you?"... etc.  But recently, I picked the book back up and decided to finish it.  We were on a trip to Gainesville, Fl (Gator Country!!), and I put it in my bag as a second thought.  While driving down, I pulled it out and started to read.

One of the things I have been struggling with is how am I suppose to put God in front of everyone and everything else?  Gunars, Skylar, Kassey, and Kyara are suppose to be after God.  My school work should be after God.  Cutting the grass (or in our case, the weeds) should be after God.  Eating, sleeping, getting showered and dressed are suppose to be after God... you get my drift.  How is all this possible?  I still have to make dinner!   I still have to shower!  And I get to hold Gunars, Skylar and Kassey in my arms and love on them all day long.  I can't imagine putting anything before my children.  And yet, God is suppose to be number one.

Well, there is a part in the book that really spoke to me.  The main character in the book, Mack, is talking with the Trinity (each has a different "name" and "personality").  He is trying to figure out priorities.."You know:  God first, then whatever, followed by whatever."  The way the Trinity explained it hit me like a light bulb.  They said there is a flaw with living by priorities.  "If you put God at the top, what does that really mean and how much is enough?  How much time do you give me before you can go about the rest of your day, the part that interests you so much more?"  God doesn't want just a part of you and a part of your life, He wants all of you and all of your life.  He wants to be at the CENTER of everything you do.  And when we live in Christ, then we are able to live together through everything that happens to us.

Oh, my!  I don't know about anyone else, but when I read this, I thought... Now THAT makes sense to me.  God wants to love our children, our lives, the fun things we do, the work we do, everything and share our joy with Him.  He wants us to glorify Him through our lives each and every day.  What a weight off my shoulders.  I don't have to stop living my life, I have to turn it over to Him and live it WITH Him!  Let Him do the worrying and firguring things out, I get to enjoy the joys He brings to me.  And all things are blessings.  Even the "bad" things. 

Kyara's death has been gut wrenching.  Heart breaking to the nth degree.  No, let me backup.  Kyara's cardiac arrest has been those things.  Her passing on to her Heavenly home was a blessing.  She was miserable here.  And God did not leave her, He gathered Kyara up, and took His baby home.  He healed her and for that I am so thankful!

It has been almost 6 months since Kyara's death.  Wow. 6 months.  It has been 1 year and 8 months since she was able to look at me, smile at me, hug me, kiss me, or tell me she loves me.  It has been 1 year and 8 months since I was able to smile at her, hug her, kiss her, tell her I love her, and know that she understood or that she even knew I was there. 

Lately I find myself thinking more about Skylar and Kassey and things going on here, and less about Kyara.  This fact tears me up.  I don't want to forget her.  But I also want to move on.  This makes me feel so guilty.  Then I think of what Jesus says, "Let the dead bury the dead."  I don't want to be emotionally dead to what is happening here on earth. There are so many joyous things God has instore, I can't sit around.  I need to live life to the fullest.  Kyara is happy and healthy again!  Thank you, Lord!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

To Grey or Not to Gray... That is the Question

As only my closest confidences may know, I have been going gray since I was in high school.  I am sure that most anyone who has seen me lately knows that I color my hair, and sometimes, I don't do a great job of it.  My roots grow out at lightning speed.  It seems like I need to color my hair every week!  The past 2 years, my grays have gotten even worse.  I think stress plays a major factor on how quickly my hair has turned.  But, I also have to thank my mother, Bunny.  She has a headful of beautiful gray hair.  At least I didn't get my dad's hair, or lack of it, like my brothers! :)  So I went today to get my first haircut since March (a week before Kyara passed away).  While I was there, I asked what I should do about my grays. 

"Embrace them!" 

"WHAT???" 

Ok, so Gunars has been telling me for a while now that he thinks I should just "Go Gray."  Now my hairdresser is telling me to let it grow out.  I am not sure.  I think I might just go for it, though.  I was told the best way to go about it is to let my roots grow out, then we will cut off my hair at the colorline.  OH boy!  Yikes!  But, seriously, it is JUST HAIR.  There are so many other things in life to stress over than HAIR.  I figure, if it doesn't look good, I can wear a hat, recolor, and let it grow back out.  Why worry about it? 

So, if you see me on the street, please don't mistake me for Skylar and Kassey's grandmother.