Kyara Dzenis

Kyara Dzenis

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Hindsight is 20/20...or maybe not...

At this time of the year, I think back to 2 years ago and wonder... did we make the right decision to go do the esophageal surgery on Kyara?  I can honestly say..."Yes, we made the best decision we could at the time." But, I wish we had known the future, so that I could say.. "NO!  Don't do it!"  That is not the way life works though, is it?  We have to make daily decisions on what is best.  Before making the decision to have the surgery done in Michigan, I did not pray to ask if we were doing right.  I did not let God take the lead.  I trusted my own Mommy instincts to decided what was right or wrong and I walked the path alone (well, not alone, with Gunars.  And actually, the more that I think about it, I wasn't alone because God was still there.  He didn't forsake me just because I didn't ask His opinion.  Although, He may have led us in another direction.)  My point is... we made the decision with our human minds and hearts, not asking God's will.  But don't you know, the moment it was time for the surgery I was praying for a good outcome.  Again, not asking for God's will, but mine.  So goes the story of my life...  Not "Thank you, God for the awesome blessings.  How can I best serve You?"  But "God, where are you?  I need help.  Why are you not here?"  It wasn't until Kyara's cardiac arrest that I started to really pray for God's Will, but even then, it was..."Do this...oh, if it is Your Will."  I would kinda add that in as an afterthought.  And I came to realize that my plans, my will, was not being done.  I so clearly remember the day that I said "God, what is your plan?  Please help me feel peace with Your Will.  And if that means, Kyara receives your ultimate healing in Heaven, then let it be."  Suddenly, I felt an overwhelming peace and a voice in my head said, "Kyara has been ready.  We have been waiting for you to be ready."  And I knew that her time left was short and that it was ok.  It was not too long after that that Kyara's health began to decline and we ended up going through Hospice.  Although the process was hard, God carried me through it and I was at peace with our decisions.

Now, 7 1/2 months later, I am having doubts.  In the past month or so I have not been praying regularly - except the prayers with the girls before bed.  I have fallen out of my devotional time.  I have allowed Chemistry and this world take over... and now I feel like I am swimming up stream without a paddle (I know I didn't get the metaphor or similie or whatever correct, but I can't remember how the saying goes.)  I am wrestling with myself constantly as to whether we made the right decisions.  Did I really hear that from God, or was it just my mind playing tricks - or worse, was the Devil testing me?  Did I love her enough, does she know how much I love her?  Whether I prepared Kyara for God (which is my biggest fear...). They say "Hindsight is 20/20," but I say..."Not always."  Now, I make sure I pray with Kassey and Skylar.  We read a devotional Bible almost everynight, and I don't shy away from conversations anymore.  I am trying to instill the importance of having a relationship with God and Jesus.  But, what about me?  I need to focus on my relationship because it is hurting.  And I am finding that when my relationship with God and Jesus is suffering, I don't feel great.  I start to feel numb which is hurting all my other relationships around me.  So, my new goal is to start spending more time with my Lord and Savior.  I know this will help bring me out of the rut I am in.

Lord - I trusted you with my life before, I will lean on you and trust you again. 


Not to make light of the all that I have written, but just a quick Gray Hair Update:  I have an appointment to get my hair cut tomorrow (Wednesday) at 12:30 pm.  I am looking at a pixie style cut to remove alot of the colored portions.  This will be the first time I will have this short of hair.  Oh boy -- YIKES!  I will post pictures when we get home. 

One more thing -  I love to read your comments. When I see that I have a comment on the page, it absolutely makes my day.  Agree with what I write, don't agree and tell me where I am wrong, just say hello, suggest songs for the page, whatever.  I greatly appreciate you all who have kept up with us and you have been such a wonderful inspiration to me.  Thank you for caring about our family, and for "listening" to me vent. :)

12 comments:

Melissa Trebuchon said...

You are still an inspiration to me! You writings make me examine my own self, thank you for everything you write. Even if people don’t comment, they still read and are touched by your story…..they are just at a loss of what to write, but know that many are still there in prayer for you. Satan causes doubt. Pray that the Lord takes this evil out of you. May God continue to bless you and your family and bring peace to your thoughts.

Teresa Kight said...

You are definatly a inspiration to so many people.
Just wanted to let you know that we think about all of you so often....and continue to pray for you.
I struggle daily with being in God's word and on my knees. Even though I know when I do that the daily struggles are so much easier and I get to know HIM more.
Thank you God for Your Love and Grace!
Thank you, Genie for being so transparent and being a light to others.
PS-You are going to look beautiful with the new hair:)

Tina from Miami said...

OK...
Can't wait to see you with the pixie cut!!! You're gonna look great!

Looking forward to seeing some halloween pics! I'm sure you all looked fabulous.

Chemistry? I absolutely hated it... and if you ask me, I can't even identify ONE element on the periodic table... I feel bad for you that you have to study that course... Ugh! But at least you know that you've confronted and surpassed much bigger hurdles.....

As for your feelings.. I think it's great that you find solace in God and that your connection to Him is what keeps you going. I think it's very difficult to find that connection but once you do, it will carry you through the tough times... Many people find it easier to discard or blame God and turn to drugs and/or alcohol... you chose the right path, and it was definitely the harder one to choose. He helped you find acceptance... which is the toughest part... once you can accept it, you have the peace to move on.... Admirable, and your girls are going to be incredible human beings for that.

One more thing - you love getting comments? I LOVE reading your posts... so I hope you keep on writing....Maybe someday you can put them all in one place - print them up and make a journal... for your girls... ?

Anonymous said...

Genie...I love you girl!! I enjoy reading your blogs and how honest you are with everything you are feeling...I can assure you so many others are struggling to be consistent with faith as well (me included). I think the greatest gift I can give my child is a relationship with God. I, like you, sometimes go astray and get distracted. I need to spend more time personally as well. Thanks for the reminder. I have always thought you are a PHENOMENAL mother. You will be in my prayers!!!
-Jess Hernandez

Kris and Eileen Mae said...

Dear Genie,

Although I did not get to meet you during my days at Florida (and if I did I don't recall) I did know Gunars. I just wanted to say what an inspiration your family has been. I know at times you think your faith has fallen but those are the times that I find you MOST inspirational. You remain steadfast. You remain strong. I know it is in those moments that you are allowing yourself to be carried. I know it seems hard at times to keep on keeping on but you do. You are an amazing Mom and wife. You are an inspiration to many. Look how many follow and read your blog??? I am so touched by your family and I hope I can be the same inspiration to others. Keep on keeping on. I will keep praying that God's Will be done. Remember less of me so that there can be more of Him. Much love! Eileen Mae

Anonymous said...

Genie,

You can rest in knowing that Kyara is with Jesus. I know that doesn't make everything easier, but rest in the knowledge that she is safe, healed, completely filled with the love of God. And waiting expectantly for you and her family.

Donnie Bates (Karla's husband)

Joanne said...

Genie, I love reading your blogs. They are so inspirational, whether you intend this or note. Keep them coming!!! We love all of you.

Lynn said...

Lynn Beck,
Genie, you are an inspiration to all who read your blog. I've been following your journey for quite sometime although I have never written to you - you may not even remember me unless I tell you that I'm Beth Murray's mother. I think your hair looks wonderful & I hope you enjoy it. I wish you peace & joy & will continue to pray for you & your family.

Anonymous said...

I have never doubted for a moment any of your decisions about Kyara's care! I have two children, and I know I would have had the pull up surgery. I have never questioned your decisions after the surgery either. I believe that God gave you extra time with Kyara for you and your family to have time to say goodbye. I know the time was difficult...it was difficult to go through it with you by reading your blog. I was so sad once I knew the time was getting close, but again I did not question your decisions. You did everything you could. Most importantly you loved/love Kyara with all your heart!!

By the way, I have been tempted to post the next part several times as I have read your previous posts about Halloween, but I have second guessed myself every time. Since you said you like posts no matter if you agree with them or not I decided to go ahead. I love fall and Halloween too, and tend to go overboard. I understand your hesitancy about the holiday, but I was happy to hear that you were able to find a way to enjoy the holiday. I thought you and your family might like to add a new celebration to the season. My family celebrates The Day of the Dead to honor my granny. We aren't from Mexico, but we decided to do it anyway. My parents grew up in Texas, so that's how we were familiar with it. We love the special day to remember her. At first it was hard, but over the years it has become a day we look forward to. A day we can think about our good times with her, be a little silly, look at her photos, and tell stories about her. Here's a link about the holiday that you can look at if you are interested.

http://www.wikihow.com/Celebrate-Day-of-the-Dead-(Dia-De-Los-Muertos)

Anonymous said...

Genie,

Your stories are very inspirational and such an amazing testimony of God's greatness. And a reminder to me to continue always praising the Lord, being happy and sad with the Lord..., and just being real!

Thank you,
Cheryl Bellavance

graham said...

Genie,

First, love the haircut. So cute - and looking a lot like my cousin, Peg, these days!! And she's beautiful.
Second, I saw in the LaGrange News that Matt has been nominated for Teacher of the Year at Callaway! So, so proud of him!
Last, about your post. I love and appreciate your absolute honesty. I have no words of wisdom - you have passed through far more in your young life than I have though I have far surpassed you in years.
I will say that as I continue to walk this faith life with Jesus I find Him to be far less judgmental than I originally imagined and far more accepting, loving and compassionate.
I think he must see you as you would see your own hurting, confused child but in his Godliness he has so much more understanding and forgiveness than we can fathom.
Thinking of you and your precious family during the coming season of joy.

Lisa Johns said...

Genie,
We still remember Kyara with you. Her Halloween pic is still hanging up in the back nurses station in special procedures at SR. I love reading your blogs and you inspire me everytime I do. You are a phenomenol mom and I'm glad you have chosen to still keep us posted. Kyara's memories will always be alive. Happy Holidays. We love you!

Lisa Johns SR day surgery